Pushing onward

It’s been a week. A week since my world went crazy. And not in a good way. I still miss her. The numbness has finally worn off and now I hurt. Hurt worse than I ever imagined possible. I still can’t get myself to talk about things. I can’t talk about her being gone. I just can’t make it through a sentence without breaking down. But I can type. So for the next while, EMS will be most likely mentioned, but placed on the back burner.

This week has been a busy one. I’ve been making it that way on purpose. I just moved all of my stuff out of our home and into a small apartment way across the complex from the 2 bedroom we shared. It’s so weird to walk out and not see her things. Just see mine. The move was one of the things that made everythign that much more real. I’m lucky I had some friends come out and help me through it and help me get things all into the new place. Now I just have to set it up the way I want it.

It was funny though, there were times I swear I almost heard her giggle as I fell down some stairs or dropped something on my foot. I miss her laugh floating through the air in the place we called home. I guess that’s why for a while still this apartment will not be home, it’ll just be a place to sleep and do homework for now. Maybe it’ll become home eventually, who knows.

Friday was her memorial service here in the City. It was nice seeing some people I hadn’t seen in months or a year or two… but it was NOT the way I wanted to see them. Sade was always so proud of seeing me in my uniform, so I decided that I would wear my dress uniform to the service. When I was putting it one I felt as if she was standing right beside me, fussing over some little detail on the uniform like she did when I was putting on my normal work uniform. I wanted it to be perfect, and apparently it went off ok according to a couple people. I just wish she could have seen me in the dress uniform before now, at a more happy occasion…

I know she would have been happy seeing me looking my best for her that day. But during the service there was something I realized I couldn’t do. I’ll get to that in a bit.

The next day was a busy day. The last week my friends, family, and extended family (old partners, fellow EMS/FD/PD members, and old friends) have done their best to be supportive of me. Saturday I went to coffee with my mother and brother, then went to the hospital to see my father. IT was a good morning. I missed having Sade there beside me during coffee, as we were hoping it would become our new habit with my mother and brother.

After I left the hospital I went to get my paycheck, where I almost got strangled by my boss with a hug. It’s the first time this super has seen me since everything happened. Looks like I’ll be working on her duty days from now on too. I stayed there almost too long too. Almost missed my tattoo appointment. Tattoo? Yea, I did say tattoo. You all know that me and Sade have carried around a half of a MizPah each for months, right? If not, read my last post. I decided I wanted to do something to remember her in my own way. And what I decided on was this tattoo

I love it. I think it’s perfect and it’s the perfect reminder of the good times we shared. And I know she will be watching over me till we meet again. I’m thinking of getting the coin set in the center of a human heart tattoo once I can get some more money up. After the tattoo session, which seemed like it became a social event for our friends, my brother and a couple of good friends kept me out all day. It was actually kinda fun to go out and do things. I went to my brothers that night tired as hell. Could have slept too except his love seat in his living room is mighty uncomfortable :p

Tuesday will be the hardest day yet. IT’s her final service. Lets hope I can keep it together for that, and for the fact I go on for 36 on Wednesday morning.

As last time, I want to write something to The Girl.

Sweetheart, I can’t believe it’s been a week that you’ve been gone. It seems like just yesterday that I was plotting with your mother to surprise you on my way back from training. We hadn’t seen each other in months and I missed you to no end. Well, I’m back to the missing you… But, as much as it might hurt, it’s nice to think back to memories like that. Seeing your face light up as I walked in the door and handed you those flowers in one I will always cherish.

I could have sworn I felt you with me at your memorial service. I wish you could have held my hand and given me a hug to comfort me, but I know that’s just wishful thinking. I just hope I did the right thing with the dress uniform, and it was something you would like. I realized something at that service though;

I can’t tell you good bye. Even on Tuesday I don’t know if I can ever tell you goodbye. The way I see it, I’ll see you again. And I know you’re watching over me. So I guess the best I can do right now is this, I’ll see you again love. And until then I hope that little piece of my heart and soul that went with you when you left me can keep you company. I’ll see you in my dreams, when I close my eyes, when I’m half asleep at work in the middle of a call. I know it’s you just keeping an eye on me, making sure I’m ok.

This new place will be odd without you being around. Waking up early and not having stuff thrown at me if I make too much noise might be nice, but I would let you throw everything at me if it meant you were still here with me.

Help me stay strong the next few weeks, my love. Help me get my life back into a pattern. I know you would want me to move on with my life, get things done. And I intend to do that. I want to make sure I stay the man that you were proud to know, proud to call your best friend. Your memory will help me stay on that path. Help me find the words to say to comfort our friends when they need it, and help them find the words to help comfort me when I need it. This is hard for all of us, but I think it’s bringing some of us closer together, which is something you always wanted too honey.

I love you, that will never ever change. Nothing you could have ever done will make it change, and nothing now will make it change. I’m wishing you could come and hug me one more time, but that’s just something to look forward to when I see you again. This time it’s you that will have years of hugs and kisses to catch up on. I’ll see you again my love. Until that day, I’ll keep myself safe as I can, and I know you’ll help with that.

Kiss Goodbye

Just keep swimming…

This post is probably the hardest one I’ve ever had to write. And will probably be the hardest one I’ll ever write. This past Sunday, my world was kicked on it’s top and then shredded. For those of you that don’t know, I moved back to NM for a few reasons…

One of which is that my father took ill very suddenly and was not doing good there for a while. I moved back home to be close to family. The other reason I moved back… The Girl, the wonderful, amazing, perfect, special Girl, agreed to move in with me if I did.

The last couple months have been perfect. We got ourselves a nice 2br apartment and started to get into a routine with each other, and started getting even more comfortable with each other. I loved it, and I know she was happy too… Or at least I thought she was happy.

This past Sunday however, all of that happy wonderful life came crashing down. That beautiful, smart, incredible woman that I loved… she died that afternoon. I still can’t believe she is gone.

We have been friends, hit or miss, for over nine years now. And I’ve been in love with her for the majority of that time. I mean madly, would do anything for, willing to die for them, love. We were so comfortable around each other, made each other happier than either of us had been in ages… It’s something I just can’t get over.

Since we reconnected this last time in February she has been my angel. She kept me sane when I was out in BFE. She helped me stay on the right track and remember who I was, not what the people there wanted me to be. She was there whenever I needed a friendly hug, a friendly ear, or a swift kick in the ass. I still say she liked doing that last one a bit to much. I loved coming back to NM to see her. And during those trips I felt something start to come to the surface between us.

We both knew at one point there were feelings from both of us towards the other. Both of us thought they didn’t exist to the extent they once did. I think we were both wrong. Since Feb, we had been more and more honest about our feelings, and it helped us in a big way. Just being around each other was enough to make us smile. Everyone around us thought we were a dedicated couple, and just smiled or smirked when we denied it. And deny it we did.

She had had a hard time in past relationships, but told me she eventually wanted one. We both agreed to just see how things turned out with each other and not try to label things. I was ok with that, and would have given anything to just have a chance to be with her. It was actually a good setup. Last week we were at a bar with some friends and we just eventually gave up on trying to convince people we weren’t together and just had fun and acted however felt natural. It was one of hte funnest nights I’ve ever had.

Up top is my half of a necklace ¬†a friend gave us while I was working in TX. It’s called a Miz Pah pendant. I also have both halves of our coin like that. I will continue to wear my half for quite a while, as long as I can actually. The two halves, when united, say “May the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another”… Right now it seems like that saying is more true right now than ever before.

I’m trying my best to stay busy lately and not think. I know sooner or later I’m going to have to think about all of this… try and figure out what I’m going to do… but it hurts, more than anything I thought I could ever feel.

But I now I shouldn’t feel guilty, as hard as that is… adn I know she would want me to get my life back to as normal as possible as soon as I could. It’s just hard, but I just need to keep pressing on.

I chose to go back to work as soon as shifts opened up. I needed to distract myself and not think, and getting into the zone while treating patients seemed to be a good way to do it. My bosses here have been watching me like a hawk just in case I broke or something, and I had the offer that if I didn’t think I could handle to finish out a shift, I could go home with no negative consequences.

In fact I’m glad I came back to work. I had the scariest call I’ve had in a long while, but it came out with a good result. I got sent to an abd pain on Tuesday night and it turned out to be a woman that was ’19 weeks’ pregnant. She said she’d had some bleeding, some pain, and cramping sensation. We got her in the truck and I told my partner to get going quickly. I expose her and what do I see? Two feet and a butt trying to come out. Not exactly what I wanted to see at this point. I get her delivered ok and the little baby boy is blue and not moving or breathing, and I couldn’t feel a pulse. The boy looked bigger than he should have for 19 weeks so I just let myself go and let training take over. I started CPR and bagging the kiddo. I screamed over the radio for an ALS intercept and wanted to get the kid to a medic ASAP. I kinda ignored the mother except to tell her I was doing everything I could. I notice as I started bagging the kiddo, he started to get pinker. And While doing CPR his little chest collapse inwards when I wasn’t pressing on it to take a breath. By the time I handed him over to the medic unit he was pinker, taking some breaths on his own, and had a palpable umbulical pulse.

I just got an update today that the baby is still hanging on and they’re hopeful for him. It turns out her might be up to 26 weeks gestation, barely. Calls like that made me glad I wanted to work to put my mind on something else. The Girl was also so proud of what I did as an EMT, I figured it’s fitting way to honor her memory. She liked the saying I told her a while back, and I guess it’s fitting in this case:

“No matter what happens, the political games or personal¬†crisis going on, the doors go up and the trucks go out.”

This next part is my little bit to her… I couldn’t care less if anyone else reads this from here down.

Sade, I miss you sweetheart. I wish we had more time together and I still do blame myself for what happened. I love you and always will honey. When you died I think a little piece of my soul went with you and will always stay with you. I hope it keeps you company until the day I get to see you again.

There have been a couple of days so far that I would have done anything to see you, and I had thoughts of making it soon, but I know you would kick my ass for all of eternity if I did something like that.

I knew you for 9 years, and yes I know it’s my fault that we didn’t talk too much for 5 of those. But I cherish every conversation, every laugh, every hug, and every kiss in those 9 years. You became my best friend, my angel, my love, and my heart. You always will be in my heart and I know that means you’re not gone completely. I wish I could go back in time and change things, like we had always talked about. But then again, I’m happy with how it was at the end. We were happy and having fun. It was the best few months of my life, even though I spent part of it still in Pecos.

I know how much you wanted to see me get that gold patch, and walk across the stage to get my nursing degree… so I will keep my promise to you and get both of those or die trying. It doesn’t seem real that you’re gone, but since you are I will do my best to keep every promise that I made to you.

I will get to say goodbye to you tomorrow and Tuesday, but I don’t think I will ever be able to get out in words just what you meant to me, what I felt for you. Keep watch over me, help keep me safe while I’m here, so I can make it to you in the end at the right time. Remember what our necklaces said when put together, like I’ve said before, it’s true now more than ever. But I feel better knowing that you’re with me in some way. That’s why the necklace will not be coming off.

I love you honey, I can’t wait to see you again, and I know I will. I’ll miss you every day.