Just keep swimming…

This post is probably the hardest one I’ve ever had to write. And will probably be the hardest one I’ll ever write. This past Sunday, my world was kicked on it’s top and then shredded. For those of you that don’t know, I moved back to NM for a few reasons…

One of which is that my father took ill very suddenly and was not doing good there for a while. I moved back home to be close to family. The other reason I moved back… The Girl, the wonderful, amazing, perfect, special Girl, agreed to move in with me if I did.

The last couple months have been perfect. We got ourselves a nice 2br apartment and started to get into a routine with each other, and started getting even more comfortable with each other. I loved it, and I know she was happy too… Or at least I thought she was happy.

This past Sunday however, all of that happy wonderful life came crashing down. That beautiful, smart, incredible woman that I loved… she died that afternoon. I still can’t believe she is gone.

We have been friends, hit or miss, for over nine years now. And I’ve been in love with her for the majority of that time. I mean madly, would do anything for, willing to die for them, love. We were so comfortable around each other, made each other happier than either of us had been in ages… It’s something I just can’t get over.

Since we reconnected this last time in February she has been my angel. She kept me sane when I was out in BFE. She helped me stay on the right track and remember who I was, not what the people there wanted me to be. She was there whenever I needed a friendly hug, a friendly ear, or a swift kick in the ass. I still say she liked doing that last one a bit to much. I loved coming back to NM to see her. And during those trips I felt something start to come to the surface between us.

We both knew at one point there were feelings from both of us towards the other. Both of us thought they didn’t exist to the extent they once did. I think we were both wrong. Since Feb, we had been more and more honest about our feelings, and it helped us in a big way. Just being around each other was enough to make us smile. Everyone around us thought we were a dedicated couple, and just smiled or smirked when we denied it. And deny it we did.

She had had a hard time in past relationships, but told me she eventually wanted one. We both agreed to just see how things turned out with each other and not try to label things. I was ok with that, and would have given anything to just have a chance to be with her. It was actually a good setup. Last week we were at a bar with some friends and we just eventually gave up on trying to convince people we weren’t together and just had fun and acted however felt natural. It was one of hte funnest nights I’ve ever had.

Up top is my half of a necklace  a friend gave us while I was working in TX. It’s called a Miz Pah pendant. I also have both halves of our coin like that. I will continue to wear my half for quite a while, as long as I can actually. The two halves, when united, say “May the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another”… Right now it seems like that saying is more true right now than ever before.

I’m trying my best to stay busy lately and not think. I know sooner or later I’m going to have to think about all of this… try and figure out what I’m going to do… but it hurts, more than anything I thought I could ever feel.

But I now I shouldn’t feel guilty, as hard as that is… adn I know she would want me to get my life back to as normal as possible as soon as I could. It’s just hard, but I just need to keep pressing on.

I chose to go back to work as soon as shifts opened up. I needed to distract myself and not think, and getting into the zone while treating patients seemed to be a good way to do it. My bosses here have been watching me like a hawk just in case I broke or something, and I had the offer that if I didn’t think I could handle to finish out a shift, I could go home with no negative consequences.

In fact I’m glad I came back to work. I had the scariest call I’ve had in a long while, but it came out with a good result. I got sent to an abd pain on Tuesday night and it turned out to be a woman that was ’19 weeks’ pregnant. She said she’d had some bleeding, some pain, and cramping sensation. We got her in the truck and I told my partner to get going quickly. I expose her and what do I see? Two feet and a butt trying to come out. Not exactly what I wanted to see at this point. I get her delivered ok and the little baby boy is blue and not moving or breathing, and I couldn’t feel a pulse. The boy looked bigger than he should have for 19 weeks so I just let myself go and let training take over. I started CPR and bagging the kiddo. I screamed over the radio for an ALS intercept and wanted to get the kid to a medic ASAP. I kinda ignored the mother except to tell her I was doing everything I could. I notice as I started bagging the kiddo, he started to get pinker. And While doing CPR his little chest collapse inwards when I wasn’t pressing on it to take a breath. By the time I handed him over to the medic unit he was pinker, taking some breaths on his own, and had a palpable umbulical pulse.

I just got an update today that the baby is still hanging on and they’re hopeful for him. It turns out her might be up to 26 weeks gestation, barely. Calls like that made me glad I wanted to work to put my mind on something else. The Girl was also so proud of what I did as an EMT, I figured it’s fitting way to honor her memory. She liked the saying I told her a while back, and I guess it’s fitting in this case:

“No matter what happens, the political games or personal crisis going on, the doors go up and the trucks go out.”

This next part is my little bit to her… I couldn’t care less if anyone else reads this from here down.

Sade, I miss you sweetheart. I wish we had more time together and I still do blame myself for what happened. I love you and always will honey. When you died I think a little piece of my soul went with you and will always stay with you. I hope it keeps you company until the day I get to see you again.

There have been a couple of days so far that I would have done anything to see you, and I had thoughts of making it soon, but I know you would kick my ass for all of eternity if I did something like that.

I knew you for 9 years, and yes I know it’s my fault that we didn’t talk too much for 5 of those. But I cherish every conversation, every laugh, every hug, and every kiss in those 9 years. You became my best friend, my angel, my love, and my heart. You always will be in my heart and I know that means you’re not gone completely. I wish I could go back in time and change things, like we had always talked about. But then again, I’m happy with how it was at the end. We were happy and having fun. It was the best few months of my life, even though I spent part of it still in Pecos.

I know how much you wanted to see me get that gold patch, and walk across the stage to get my nursing degree… so I will keep my promise to you and get both of those or die trying. It doesn’t seem real that you’re gone, but since you are I will do my best to keep every promise that I made to you.

I will get to say goodbye to you tomorrow and Tuesday, but I don’t think I will ever be able to get out in words just what you meant to me, what I felt for you. Keep watch over me, help keep me safe while I’m here, so I can make it to you in the end at the right time. Remember what our necklaces said when put together, like I’ve said before, it’s true now more than ever. But I feel better knowing that you’re with me in some way. That’s why the necklace will not be coming off.

I love you honey, I can’t wait to see you again, and I know I will. I’ll miss you every day.

  • B.Cook

    i have the same necklace. this is so touching. god bless

  • Anonymous

    Damn brother, I’m sorry.

    Words are too pale a comfort in time like this, but suffice it to say you’ve got friends you’ve never met who are praying for you.

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  • http://twitter.com/shell1972 Shelly Wilcoxson

    *hugs* my friend.. I’m so sorry though those words sound like so little…….  Many thoughts and prayers !!!!!!! Is an amazing support group out here for ya …….

  • http://raptorsnest.wordpress.com/ Raptor

    I know it’s not enough, but I’m sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang tough. May God be with you.

  • http://twitter.com/rescue_monkey Rescue Monkey

    Wow. So sorry to hear about your loss. Words can not be enough to express a loss of this magnitude.  

  • http://twitter.com/epijunky Gingermedic

    I know how important she was to you.  You lit up whenever you spoke of her.  I’m so sorry.  So sorry.  

    There’s nothing that we’re going to be able to say at this point to make any of this easier.  Just know this.  We’re here for you.  We’re spread out all over the country, people you’ve never met who want nothing more than to offer support.  Anything you need, hon.  Just say the word.  

    You know where to find us.  My thoughts and prayers are with you both.  

    April

  • Anonymous

    I am so sorry man. Sounds like you have the right idea by getting back to work. Best of luck to you, and I am so sorry for your loss. 

  • http://twitter.com/ssgjbroyles John Broyles

    Brother, I tried 4 times to write this out and nothing came out perfect.  We’re here for ya, bro.

  • Devon

    I am so sorry.  There is nothing I can add here – everyone has expressed such support for you already.  Just know that you’re in my prayers.

    Dev

  • http://thesocialmedic.net Dave Konig

    There are no words that I can write or would be able to say that can alleviate your suffering and pain. Hopefully you can find solace in the fact that you are not alone and that you are in our minds and hearts during this trying time.

    While the saying about “No matter what happens, the political games or personal crisis going on, the doors go up and the trucks go out.” is true, it’s important that we remember that it doesn’t always have to be us on them everytime. It’s not only okay to save some of our compassion for ourselves, but damn near necessary.

    If there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate…

  • Ackabby

    You don’t know me.  Am a fellow EMSer… thanks for sharing your experience.  As someone else said, there are no words now to express.  Will keep you in my thoughts in this time.  Stay safe!

  • http://notesfrommosquitohill.com mack505

    Damn.  So sorry.  I know there are no words to help, but as AD and Epi said we’re all pulling for you FWIW.

  • http://lonelyemt.blogspot.com Hilinda

    I don’t know what to say, other than I’m sorry. Life can be so unfair sometimes.  Take care of yourself, and don’t be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.

  • Thehappymedic

    Dude…

    Blink, blink…

  • wvmedicgirl

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss!

  • http://nonoriginalrants.blogspot.com/ Midwest Chick

    I am so sorry for your loss.  Hold on to the joy that you had.  Keep your promise to her about getting your degree and walking across that stage.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • http://www.efurd.net Railey Efurd

    Here from AD.  Not a truck rider, but a nurse.  Will be praying for you. 

    Railey Efurd

  • usalsfyre

    I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.

    Your in our thoughts and prayers, and you know where to find all of us if you need anything.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_T3YJIMSTJAZYP6I2YFKOMDSELI Reagan conservative

    I am sorry to hear of your loss.

  • http://twitter.com/emschick911 EMS Chick

    Words are a small comfort at a time like this.  When my dad died I was told that time heals all wounds. I remember thinking no way, not this one. But the world keeps turning, and day by day it gets a little easier.

  • Patricia Tyrrell

     Rest easy in knowing that you meant so much to her, as much as she meant to you. The Lord has her in his arms now, and IS watching between you and her until you meet again.
    Stay strong brother, but if you need to you can be weak…there are so many people out there who will hold you up until you can stand on your own again.

    You are loved…by the Lord, your family, your co-workers and those of us ‘on the job’ who’ve never met you. Take strength in that.

    Pat

  • Jrhender883

    I’m so sorry for your loss. At this time remember the good, keep the memories close . Love again laugh as much as you can and keep her close in your heart. Those that leave us to soon want the best for us. When you dream of her its your time to visit.

  • Rachel

    I’m so sorry for your loss.  I hope the memory of good times comforts you when the clouds of loss surround you. 

  • Hydrantgirl

    So sorry to hear.

    Hydrantgirl
    http://hydrantgirl.blogspot.com/

  • Iowa_Medic

    I am with AD on this one…Damn! Iowa medics are praying for you as well! Stay strong!

  • Matt

    Thoughts and prayers from Canada for a grieving brother.

  • MK

    We’ve never met, and probably never will…but from one EMT to another, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. One day, after a really tough call, a friend said, “If you could see everything the way God sees it, you wouldn’t change a thing.” I know now must be a storm of pain, confusion, and frustration…made even more stressful by the fact your trying to stay in the “calm before the storm” phase…your worry that the hurt will get worse when it hits you. But this girl sounds amazing, and I have no doubt she’s watching over you right now. You don’t know what is coming in your future, but I’m sure she’ll do everything she can to make sure it happens.

    From personal experience, trust me when I say it gets easier. Look for her kindness in other people’s actions and words, and her beauty in everything around you. She will never be truly gone.

    Hang in there.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JD5Z5BWA5ZO4RH4IKOEYFTEMEE Me

    thank you for everything!!!  i am at such a loss for words…..
    lori

    • transportjockey

      You are very welcome Lori. I’ve always told you she meant more to me than I could put into words, this is my attempt at it. Like I’ve said before, if you need anything I’m only 90 miles away, and I wanna come out and visit ya’ll lots!

  • http://twitter.com/EMTFFG Cynthia Marie Wojcik

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you get better. Congrats on your save; if you need me, just facebook or Tweet me. I’m here for ya.

  • http://twitter.com/MikeBladeClarke Mike Clarke

    Sorry for your loss brother, it’s not fair to compare the loss of my mom to your loss…. but it’s all i have to imagine what you must be going thru. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  • Clo

    I am so sorry for your loss. You’re in my prayers.