Just keep swimming…

This post is probably the hardest one I’ve ever had to write. And will probably be the hardest one I’ll ever write. This past Sunday, my world was kicked on it’s top and then shredded. For those of you that don’t know, I moved back to NM for a few reasons…

One of which is that my father took ill very suddenly and was not doing good there for a while. I moved back home to be close to family. The other reason I moved back… The Girl, the wonderful, amazing, perfect, special Girl, agreed to move in with me if I did.

The last couple months have been perfect. We got ourselves a nice 2br apartment and started to get into a routine with each other, and started getting even more comfortable with each other. I loved it, and I know she was happy too… Or at least I thought she was happy.

This past Sunday however, all of that happy wonderful life came crashing down. That beautiful, smart, incredible woman that I loved… she died that afternoon. I still can’t believe she is gone.

We have been friends, hit or miss, for over nine years now. And I’ve been in love with her for the majority of that time. I mean madly, would do anything for, willing to die for them, love. We were so comfortable around each other, made each other happier than either of us had been in ages… It’s something I just can’t get over.

Since we reconnected this last time in February she has been my angel. She kept me sane when I was out in BFE. She helped me stay on the right track and remember who I was, not what the people there wanted me to be. She was there whenever I needed a friendly hug, a friendly ear, or a swift kick in the ass. I still say she liked doing that last one a bit to much. I loved coming back to NM to see her. And during those trips I felt something start to come to the surface between us.

We both knew at one point there were feelings from both of us towards the other. Both of us thought they didn’t exist to the extent they once did. I think we were both wrong. Since Feb, we had been more and more honest about our feelings, and it helped us in a big way. Just being around each other was enough to make us smile. Everyone around us thought we were a dedicated couple, and just smiled or smirked when we denied it. And deny it we did.

She had had a hard time in past relationships, but told me she eventually wanted one. We both agreed to just see how things turned out with each other and not try to label things. I was ok with that, and would have given anything to just have a chance to be with her. It was actually a good setup. Last week we were at a bar with some friends and we just eventually gave up on trying to convince people we weren’t together and just had fun and acted however felt natural. It was one of hte funnest nights I’ve ever had.

Up top is my half of a necklace  a friend gave us while I was working in TX. It’s called a Miz Pah pendant. I also have both halves of our coin like that. I will continue to wear my half for quite a while, as long as I can actually. The two halves, when united, say “May the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another”… Right now it seems like that saying is more true right now than ever before.

I’m trying my best to stay busy lately and not think. I know sooner or later I’m going to have to think about all of this… try and figure out what I’m going to do… but it hurts, more than anything I thought I could ever feel.

But I now I shouldn’t feel guilty, as hard as that is… adn I know she would want me to get my life back to as normal as possible as soon as I could. It’s just hard, but I just need to keep pressing on.

I chose to go back to work as soon as shifts opened up. I needed to distract myself and not think, and getting into the zone while treating patients seemed to be a good way to do it. My bosses here have been watching me like a hawk just in case I broke or something, and I had the offer that if I didn’t think I could handle to finish out a shift, I could go home with no negative consequences.

In fact I’m glad I came back to work. I had the scariest call I’ve had in a long while, but it came out with a good result. I got sent to an abd pain on Tuesday night and it turned out to be a woman that was ’19 weeks’ pregnant. She said she’d had some bleeding, some pain, and cramping sensation. We got her in the truck and I told my partner to get going quickly. I expose her and what do I see? Two feet and a butt trying to come out. Not exactly what I wanted to see at this point. I get her delivered ok and the little baby boy is blue and not moving or breathing, and I couldn’t feel a pulse. The boy looked bigger than he should have for 19 weeks so I just let myself go and let training take over. I started CPR and bagging the kiddo. I screamed over the radio for an ALS intercept and wanted to get the kid to a medic ASAP. I kinda ignored the mother except to tell her I was doing everything I could. I notice as I started bagging the kiddo, he started to get pinker. And While doing CPR his little chest collapse inwards when I wasn’t pressing on it to take a breath. By the time I handed him over to the medic unit he was pinker, taking some breaths on his own, and had a palpable umbulical pulse.

I just got an update today that the baby is still hanging on and they’re hopeful for him. It turns out her might be up to 26 weeks gestation, barely. Calls like that made me glad I wanted to work to put my mind on something else. The Girl was also so proud of what I did as an EMT, I figured it’s fitting way to honor her memory. She liked the saying I told her a while back, and I guess it’s fitting in this case:

“No matter what happens, the political games or personal crisis going on, the doors go up and the trucks go out.”

This next part is my little bit to her… I couldn’t care less if anyone else reads this from here down.

Sade, I miss you sweetheart. I wish we had more time together and I still do blame myself for what happened. I love you and always will honey. When you died I think a little piece of my soul went with you and will always stay with you. I hope it keeps you company until the day I get to see you again.

There have been a couple of days so far that I would have done anything to see you, and I had thoughts of making it soon, but I know you would kick my ass for all of eternity if I did something like that.

I knew you for 9 years, and yes I know it’s my fault that we didn’t talk too much for 5 of those. But I cherish every conversation, every laugh, every hug, and every kiss in those 9 years. You became my best friend, my angel, my love, and my heart. You always will be in my heart and I know that means you’re not gone completely. I wish I could go back in time and change things, like we had always talked about. But then again, I’m happy with how it was at the end. We were happy and having fun. It was the best few months of my life, even though I spent part of it still in Pecos.

I know how much you wanted to see me get that gold patch, and walk across the stage to get my nursing degree… so I will keep my promise to you and get both of those or die trying. It doesn’t seem real that you’re gone, but since you are I will do my best to keep every promise that I made to you.

I will get to say goodbye to you tomorrow and Tuesday, but I don’t think I will ever be able to get out in words just what you meant to me, what I felt for you. Keep watch over me, help keep me safe while I’m here, so I can make it to you in the end at the right time. Remember what our necklaces said when put together, like I’ve said before, it’s true now more than ever. But I feel better knowing that you’re with me in some way. That’s why the necklace will not be coming off.

I love you honey, I can’t wait to see you again, and I know I will. I’ll miss you every day.