Pushing onward

It’s been a week. A week since my world went crazy. And not in a good way. I still miss her. The numbness has finally worn off and now I hurt. Hurt worse than I ever imagined possible. I still can’t get myself to talk about things. I can’t talk about her being gone. I just can’t make it through a sentence without breaking down. But I can type. So for the next while, EMS will be most likely mentioned, but placed on the back burner.

This week has been a busy one. I’ve been making it that way on purpose. I just moved all of my stuff out of our home and into a small apartment way across the complex from the 2 bedroom we shared. It’s so weird to walk out and not see her things. Just see mine. The move was one of the things that made everythign that much more real. I’m lucky I had some friends come out and help me through it and help me get things all into the new place. Now I just have to set it up the way I want it.

It was funny though, there were times I swear I almost heard her giggle as I fell down some stairs or dropped something on my foot. I miss her laugh floating through the air in the place we called home. I guess that’s why for a while still this apartment will not be home, it’ll just be a place to sleep and do homework for now. Maybe it’ll become home eventually, who knows.

Friday was her memorial service here in the City. It was nice seeing some people I hadn’t seen in months or a year or two… but it was NOT the way I wanted to see them. Sade was always so proud of seeing me in my uniform, so I decided that I would wear my dress uniform to the service. When I was putting it one I felt as if she was standing right beside me, fussing over some little detail on the uniform like she did when I was putting on my normal work uniform. I wanted it to be perfect, and apparently it went off ok according to a couple people. I just wish she could have seen me in the dress uniform before now, at a more happy occasion…

I know she would have been happy seeing me looking my best for her that day. But during the service there was something I realized I couldn’t do. I’ll get to that in a bit.

The next day was a busy day. The last week my friends, family, and extended family (old partners, fellow EMS/FD/PD members, and old friends) have done their best to be supportive of me. Saturday I went to coffee with my mother and brother, then went to the hospital to see my father. IT was a good morning. I missed having Sade there beside me during coffee, as we were hoping it would become our new habit with my mother and brother.

After I left the hospital I went to get my paycheck, where I almost got strangled by my boss with a hug. It’s the first time this super has seen me since everything happened. Looks like I’ll be working on her duty days from now on too. I stayed there almost too long too. Almost missed my tattoo appointment. Tattoo? Yea, I did say tattoo. You all know that me and Sade have carried around a half of a MizPah each for months, right? If not, read my last post. I decided I wanted to do something to remember her in my own way. And what I decided on was this tattoo

I love it. I think it’s perfect and it’s the perfect reminder of the good times we shared. And I know she will be watching over me till we meet again. I’m thinking of getting the coin set in the center of a human heart tattoo once I can get some more money up. After the tattoo session, which seemed like it became a social event for our friends, my brother and a couple of good friends kept me out all day. It was actually kinda fun to go out and do things. I went to my brothers that night tired as hell. Could have slept too except his love seat in his living room is mighty uncomfortable :p

Tuesday will be the hardest day yet. IT’s her final service. Lets hope I can keep it together for that, and for the fact I go on for 36 on Wednesday morning.

As last time, I want to write something to The Girl.

Sweetheart, I can’t believe it’s been a week that you’ve been gone. It seems like just yesterday that I was plotting with your mother to surprise you on my way back from training. We hadn’t seen each other in months and I missed you to no end. Well, I’m back to the missing you… But, as much as it might hurt, it’s nice to think back to memories like that. Seeing your face light up as I walked in the door and handed you those flowers in one I will always cherish.

I could have sworn I felt you with me at your memorial service. I wish you could have held my hand and given me a hug to comfort me, but I know that’s just wishful thinking. I just hope I did the right thing with the dress uniform, and it was something you would like. I realized something at that service though;

I can’t tell you good bye. Even on Tuesday I don’t know if I can ever tell you goodbye. The way I see it, I’ll see you again. And I know you’re watching over me. So I guess the best I can do right now is this, I’ll see you again love. And until then I hope that little piece of my heart and soul that went with you when you left me can keep you company. I’ll see you in my dreams, when I close my eyes, when I’m half asleep at work in the middle of a call. I know it’s you just keeping an eye on me, making sure I’m ok.

This new place will be odd without you being around. Waking up early and not having stuff thrown at me if I make too much noise might be nice, but I would let you throw everything at me if it meant you were still here with me.

Help me stay strong the next few weeks, my love. Help me get my life back into a pattern. I know you would want me to move on with my life, get things done. And I intend to do that. I want to make sure I stay the man that you were proud to know, proud to call your best friend. Your memory will help me stay on that path. Help me find the words to say to comfort our friends when they need it, and help them find the words to help comfort me when I need it. This is hard for all of us, but I think it’s bringing some of us closer together, which is something you always wanted too honey.

I love you, that will never ever change. Nothing you could have ever done will make it change, and nothing now will make it change. I’m wishing you could come and hug me one more time, but that’s just something to look forward to when I see you again. This time it’s you that will have years of hugs and kisses to catch up on. I’ll see you again my love. Until that day, I’ll keep myself safe as I can, and I know you’ll help with that.

Kiss Goodbye

  • http://twitter.com/shell1972 Shelly Wilcoxson

    *tears*
    It does get so not all consuming my friend, I don’t know that the pain gets easier but it gets to were it’s not first and foremost anymore and the memories help with that soooooooooooo much.  Saying good-bye isn’t needed as you will see her again and will always caring her with you :)
    *hugs*

  • http://twitter.com/EMTFFG Cynthia Marie Wojcik

    That’s beautiful. That made me cry. I like the positivity you try and present, even though you are hurting. And you are thinking that Sade is still there. Good approach towards it. My prayers to you, Nate. Always available to talk.

  • Rvrfox

    Sorry for your loss.  Words are so little , when the pain is so much.

  • Derekclark32

    I’m sorry for your loss. I hope time heals things for you.