Memories, and new beginnings?

I’ve never like Albuquerque, not since before I moved here for school. When I left last March for Colorado, I thought that was it. I swore I’d never willingly move back to Albuquerque. But somehow in the course of talking to you the NEXT March… we agreed to find a place together in Albuquerque, and I would have been so very content to stay here for the next 18 years with you if you’d have had me. That’s when it hit me. You were what was missing the first few years here. Even staying at your parents (which I’m still so very grateful they put up with me :p), being with you felt like home. You were my home, the place I felt the safest. The place I felt most comfortable. The person I loved being with so much.

Now Albuquerque is a bunch of memories, of things we did. Of places we visited. Unfinished plans that we made together. Albuquerque feels empty to me now. Worse than before you, it’s now a black hole that seems content to suck out any happiness or wanting to do anything. This is not my home any longer.

I guess that’s why when this hospital district offered me the opportunity to come out and test, I took it without a second thought. I knew you would have been ok with it. That’s why I bristle a little when people accuse me of trying to run away from my problems here and run there. And to be honest, that thought gave me a panic attack on the drive back today.

For a little bit, I didn’t know why I was doing it. Was I really running away? Or was I doing it because it’s something I wanted? Because it’s something I thought would be the best idea for me? I really didn’t know. That made me feel horrible. Then I thought about it. Both of us loved travelling, granted you hated TX, but we both had plans to move as much as we could. And this would really be a good opportunity for me. Maybe I’m doing it for a little bit of all of those reasons? But you know what, if it’s better for me in the long run, who cares right this second why I’m doing it?

But that means I need to try and put some things behind me. Sweetheart, losing you is something I’m still having a hard time dealing with. I listened to a song on the way home and these were part of hte lyrics

“I don’t wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye”

That’s rather how I feel towards you. The last month I’ve gone through so many emotions… Gods know that there have been times I’ve been so very pissed off at you. Pissed that you left me alone here, pissed that you wouldn’t talk to any of us, pissed that you were gone. Pissed in general. But it reminded me too that I wouldn’t have been anywhere near that mad if I wasn’t in love with you.

What I can do, though, is remember the memories. Remembering you so many years ago, walking into the interview for that trip with me. I saw you back then, braces, frizzy hair, and all, and it was like something inside me clicked. Like my heart went “Oh! Hi! I’ve been waiting for you!”

And that trip was amazing. I know you had some rough spots during it, and so did I. And I’m sorry I ever took it out on you then. But we enjoyed each others company so very much. And I loved squirelling a smile out of you when you were in a bad mood. It helped my mood so much too. And then  when we got home… This blushing little girl, so cute and innocent looking, walking up to me and kissing me on the cheek, then walking away. You left me standing there breathless and staring. I still smile when I think of that memory.

Then we had some bad times. I was dating the one-who-will-never-be-named (yes she is that much of an evil bitch that she would give Voldemort a run for his money) and she took great exception to the fact that I might have been falling for someone that wasn’t her, or that I was even talking to someone that wasn’t her. So she took it upon herself to make sure we’d never talk again… and for several years we didn’t. I remember spending hours trying to find you online, looking for any sign of you. And come to find out you were doing the same thing to find me.

I remember the first day I saw you again. It was after you and my mother realized who each other was. I came down from ABQ for just a chance. We called each other when I got on campus and left my mom’s office. And in a typical Zita moment, and Nate moment for that matter, I look ahead of me and see someone talking on the phone… making arm motions that looked very familiar. I asked you what you were doing and you told me walking. I was smirking to myself the entire time, and I asked you to turn around. God, seeing your face for the first time in years was amazing. You had just gotten even more gorgeous and grown up from that little girl I remember. The smile on your face when we both realized we’d been on the phone with each other from about 20ft away is still one of my favorite memories.

Remembering how you smiled at me this past Valentine’s day when I surprised you with flowers at your parents. You were always so hard to surprise because you hated them and tried to get all the info you could before it happened. That’s why I’m amazed that me and your mother managed to pull off me sneaking by without you knowing. The happiness you had on your face when you saw me walk through the door was amazing, and then the surprise and smile when I handed you flowers. I was hoping that flowers to you on V-day would become a normal tradition with us, the first time I’d ever enjoyed that day at all.

Or how a month or two later when I walked into your parents house again on a mini-vacation from TX. I had been working up the courage to ask if I could kiss you on that trip, so can you imagine how surprised I was when the first thing you do as I walk in is kiss me on the lips, kiss me very soundly? Heh, I think it was almost a repeat of the airport and me just standing there. You smiled so sweetly and just giggled at me. That was the turning point of us becoming an ‘us’ even if we didn’t want to admit it to anyone.

Those are just a few of my favorite memories of you and me. And kind of why I think I might be running away from ABQ… there are memories of you, of us, of all three of us, everywhere in this state. And I really am having a hard time dealign with it. I still wake up and expect to be looking into your gorgeous hazel eyes, or hear you giggle at me whenever I do something stupid. I miss your gentle touch when I’m upset, and boy, lately, I could have used that wonderful touch so often. I miss just being able to cuddle you to me when you were upset. All in-all… I miss you honey. Miss you so much that the pain makes me want to curl up into a ball and stay there.

I think what really gets me… is that we didn’t really have a chance. We were good together for the short time we had, and it kills me that I’ll never know how we would have turned out. I think it would have worked, but now I’ll never know… and that, to me, is one of the things that makes this so hard.

So, yea, maybe I am running away. But I’m also trying to move on. You would want me to move on. You’d want me to become a better man. You knew of my love for EMS, and you told me shortly before I lost you that you could never tell me you wanted me to give it up. So here I go. I’m trying to get on with one of my dream services (the only one I can get on with as an EMT-I as opposed to a medic). I’m trying to become that man you would be proud of. I’m just hoping you keep watching over me. Keep visiting me in my dreams, for that’s the only way I can see you now, and gods know that I miss you. I still think of you every second of every day, and I can’t see how that will change any time soon. But for now I just need to keep pressing on. Keep trying  to push forward. It’s what you would have wanted for me. and it’s what I would have wanted you to do if the situations would be reversed.

I know I still can’t tell you goodbye. Like I said earlier, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you goodbye. But I will not, cannot, ever forget you. You’ll stay in my heart forever. And I think you took the best part of me with you when you left, so at least you have some company. Until I see you again lover, watch over me and help keep my dumb ass safe when I do something stupid.

“The blackest night must end in dawn, the light dispel the dreamer’s fear.”

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So… I just got back to NM last night. I left NM on sunday to go to SE Texas to test for a large hospital based agency. From everything I have heard, they are in the top three services in the state of TX and they’ve always been one I wanted to work at. But man it was a long drive. 15 hours or so from here.

The hiring process consists of a written test, three practical tests (airway incluiding pedi and adult ETI, vital signs, and LSB), an interview, and a PAT. I passed the written with an 88%, passed all three practicals with only one retest (vital signs?! I think I just got nervous and started counting my own pulse), and had a great time on the PAT. It was actually a very fun PAT, and one of the few for private, non-fire EMS that I’ve seen that has you do a full course, not just a stair test. The interview I think I did ok on too. Now I just have to wait till Friday to hear if I got the job or not. If I did, orientation will start on July 18th.

And it’s not just orientation. They run a 3 week academy followed by 4-6 weeks riding third before you’re released as a probationary crew member under a mentoring medic.  I love the idea of the way they do new hires. So… fingers crossed that I’ll get the call once I get off duty on Friday. I go in for a 36 down here in ValCo tonight. I’m hoping I’ll have a resonably busy shift.

New opportunity coming up

Well… it’s been a long month. And my main reason for coming back to ABQ has gone… So just a short update. I was offered an invite to test with a large County Hospital District’s EMS next Monday. This is on the east side of TX as an EMT-I. I think I’m going to take their offer and go out to do their PAT, written and practical test, and interview. From everything I’ve been told they’re an all ALS level service that is pushing and assisting their EMT-Is to upgrade to medic. This service is one I can find nothing but good about, and benefits and pay overall are better than I made in BFE TX. So… looks like the next few weeks will be an interesting time.

I’m tired

I’m tired. Very Very tired right now. Over the last week my sleep schedule has been in the toilet, and I’m working on the bare minimum…. er… actually put that at under the bare minimum of sleep I’m used to. I worked 1 40 hour shift at my service that should was pretty much a standing shift (no rest). I’ve been looking for work too. Anything to keep myself occupied.

This post will be ranting and might be disorganized more than usual and not make much sense.

I was told by my partner at work last week that he knows why I’m working myself so hard. And it didn’t hit me that he might be right until just recently. He told me that he thinks I’m taking care of perfect strangers and doing my job on a bus so I can distract myself. That much is true, I’ve said that from the beginning. But he also said I’m wanting to take care of strangers because I’m avoiding letting myself grieve and I don’t know how to take care of myself. HE might just have a point there.

I’ve spent so much time trying to take care of others that I’m not sure what to do to take care of myself. I’m afraid one day I’m just going to break down into a sobbing heap and not want to move. I’ve come close a number of times already and I’m afraid to let go like that. And I really can’t bring myself to finish greiving I guess. IT’s just too hard right now. I’m hurting, yes. But I’m afraid of what will happen to me if I just let myself go. I’ve had some scares in the last few weeks, so much so that all of my handgun ammo is now locked in a case in the trunk of my car and the key for it is in the locker at work (where I ride my bike to, not drive the car).

I’ve also been doing a hell of a lot of thinking. Trying to figure out if there’s anything I could have done to prevent this. I could have stayed in TX, as miserable as I was there with her here, and finished out school. I don’t know if that would have done anything to help or not though. Or I could have kept a closer eye on her. I could have noticed warning signs… But I didn’t. Even though I’m playing a lot of what if’s, I still don’t know that I would have changed anything. It’s like I told her from day one, I wanted her, and I wanted to spend every second possible with her, and I wouldn’t change even one single of those seconds for anything, unless you could add on to the total number I spent with her somehow.

I guess the main thing is I feel guilty as all hell about everything. I know I shouldnt. I’ve been told that a lot. But I can’t help it. I feel that there’s something I should have been able to do. I guess not knowing why is what’s really eating me up and making me feel this way. Maybe, just maybe, if I knew why things happened it would be different. But it’s only been three weeks, so who knows.

I guess other news now. I’m still looking for another job. I’ve got an interview at Starbucks on Friday after I get off dutyfrom a 36. I’m trying to keep going. I’ve applied at several Security companies, every hospital in the city, the other two major ambulance services (left the standby job I had with Tiny Crappy Ambulance Service) in the area, Starbucks, local coffee shops, and electronics stores. I mainly am looking to keep busy, but also as several people lately have told me, I’m expected at EMS Expo in Vegas this year, so a second job will help immensely to get there.

There is also a Tactical EMS course being taught at City University that I want in on. It’s almost $900 for hte class, so without a second job, I can pay for my classes in the fall and either A) Got to Expo or B) Take the Tac course. If I have the extra cash I can maybe do both.

Speaking of school… I’ve decided something. I’ll most likely still go the PerCom route to get my disco patch. I want my medic worse now than ever, if for no other reason than to leave NM and get my RN somewhere else. It seems like no matter where I turn or who I run into here, I have memories of my angel. And that’s something right now that hurts more than I ever thought it could.

But anyways, enough for now. Come tomorrow night, I’ll drag myself out of bed, put on my uniform, pack my gear, and head into work for a 36. If helping people is how I’m ‘coping’, then I’m gonna do my damndest to do it well. Although if one more person tells me I look like crap tomorrow night, I’m gonna throw em off my bus.

Ya’ll stay safe.

Two weeks

Two weeks. Almost as long as we lived together. Two weeks I’ve been alone. One week I’ve lived alone. I still am rolling over reaching for you, waking up from a dream and thinking you’re there with me. The other morning I swear I felt you there with me laughing at me as I made myself a mug of chai, remembering back when you first showed me how because I had no idea what the hell ‘steeping’ tea bags meant.

Two weeks without you around. My phone has been so horribly silent. I’ve wanted to call your phone. Talk to you, hear your voice. Make you groan at some cheesy line I tell you. Anything. I’ve worked over 80 hours in the last two weeks, and those shifts just seemed to get longer and longer without your wonderful texts to keep my company, telling you all about the stupid calls I run.

You would have been so happy for me that first week. That baby I delivered? The one we didn’t want to know what happened after we dropping him off at the hospital with a pulse? Yea that one. He’s doing amazing. The NICU nurses at Big Hospital absolutely love him. They even call him Baby ‘My service name here’. I actually got to see him on a transport to that hospital. You loved it when I had calls like that. So much that you kept suggesting that I should become an L&D nurse eventually. And to be honest it’s still tempting. It’s kind of fitting that the week I lost you, I helped bring a life into this world, and keep him here. I’ll always remember that call and think of you every time.

People keep telling me that with time things will get better… so far in the two weeks, things have seemed to just get worse. Once all the numbness of losing you wore off, the hurt hit me like a ton of bricks. Just getting out of bed and getting ready, by myself, to face the day hurts so much and is so horribly hard. I would do anything to see you again, talk to you again, hug you again, kiss you again. Coming home to an empty apartment has been the hardest though. When I’ve been on duty at Cross, I just haven’t wanted to come home. I couldn’t stand coming home to an empty place.

I’m trying I really am. The thought of joining you has been tempting on and off over the past few weeks… And I decided a couple days ago that I really do need to go talk to someone. I know it’s something you would have kicked my ass into doing by now, but I’m a little slow without you apparently.

What people told me I think was right about some things though. When I see you in my dreams, when I feel you there next to me when I sleep, when I feel you near me when I’m getting into uniform, those are times you’re with me, watching over me, protecting me. Keep it up my love. I know I’ll need it more over the next couple weeks, but knowing you’re still with me in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind gives me a little strength.  Your mother calls you her angel, and that’s true. Sweetheart, you were always an angel here on earth, and now you’re our angel watching over all of us that you loved. And I couldn’t think of a person I’d want watching over me more. I love you sweetheart.

The following are lyrics of a song I found on my computer. I think they’re fitting for how I’m feeling.

“I’m thankful for the time God gave me, even though we couldn’t make it last.
I’m learning how to live without you, even though I don’t want to.
And even with you gone, love lives on.