I’m tired

I’m tired. Very Very tired right now. Over the last week my sleep schedule has been in the toilet, and I’m working on the bare minimum…. er… actually put that at under the bare minimum of sleep I’m used to. I worked 1 40 hour shift at my service that should was pretty much a standing shift (no rest). I’ve been looking for work too. Anything to keep myself occupied.

This post will be ranting and might be disorganized more than usual and not make much sense.

I was told by my partner at work last week that he knows why I’m working myself so hard. And it didn’t hit me that he might be right until just recently. He told me that he thinks I’m taking care of perfect strangers and doing my job on a bus so I can distract myself. That much is true, I’ve said that from the beginning. But he also said I’m wanting to take care of strangers because I’m avoiding letting myself grieve and I don’t know how to take care of myself. HE might just have a point there.

I’ve spent so much time trying to take care of others that I’m not sure what to do to take care of myself. I’m afraid one day I’m just going to break down into a sobbing heap and not want to move. I’ve come close a number of times already and I’m afraid to let go like that. And I really can’t bring myself to finish greiving I guess. IT’s just too hard right now. I’m hurting, yes. But I’m afraid of what will happen to me if I just let myself go. I’ve had some scares in the last few weeks, so much so that all of my handgun ammo is now locked in a case in the trunk of my car and the key for it is in the locker at work (where I ride my bike to, not drive the car).

I’ve also been doing a hell of a lot of thinking. Trying to figure out if there’s anything I could have done to prevent this. I could have stayed in TX, as miserable as I was there with her here, and finished out school. I don’t know if that would have done anything to help or not though. Or I could have kept a closer eye on her. I could have noticed warning signs… But I didn’t. Even though I’m playing a lot of what if’s, I still don’t know that I would have changed anything. It’s like I told her from day one, I wanted her, and I wanted to spend every second possible with her, and I wouldn’t change even one single of those seconds for anything, unless you could add on to the total number I spent with her somehow.

I guess the main thing is I feel guilty as all hell about everything. I know I shouldnt. I’ve been told that a lot. But I can’t help it. I feel that there’s something I should have been able to do. I guess not knowing why is what’s really eating me up and making me feel this way. Maybe, just maybe, if I knew why things happened it would be different. But it’s only been three weeks, so who knows.

I guess other news now. I’m still looking for another job. I’ve got an interview at Starbucks on Friday after I get off dutyfrom a 36. I’m trying to keep going. I’ve applied at several Security companies, every hospital in the city, the other two major ambulance services (left the standby job I had with Tiny Crappy Ambulance Service) in the area, Starbucks, local coffee shops, and electronics stores. I mainly am looking to keep busy, but also as several people lately have told me, I’m expected at EMS Expo in Vegas this year, so a second job will help immensely to get there.

There is also a Tactical EMS course being taught at City University that I want in on. It’s almost $900 for hte class, so without a second job, I can pay for my classes in the fall and either A) Got to Expo or B) Take the Tac course. If I have the extra cash I can maybe do both.

Speaking of school… I’ve decided something. I’ll most likely still go the PerCom route to get my disco patch. I want my medic worse now than ever, if for no other reason than to leave NM and get my RN somewhere else. It seems like no matter where I turn or who I run into here, I have memories of my angel. And that’s something right now that hurts more than I ever thought it could.

But anyways, enough for now. Come tomorrow night, I’ll drag myself out of bed, put on my uniform, pack my gear, and head into work for a 36. If helping people is how I’m ‘coping’, then I’m gonna do my damndest to do it well. Although if one more person tells me I look like crap tomorrow night, I’m gonna throw em off my bus.

Ya’ll stay safe.

  • http://twitter.com/shell1972 Shelly Wilcoxson

    Awww Hun we all grieve in our own way. When the time is right for you to completely break down and let the tears flow freely you’ll know. If working is what keeps you sane at the moment than so be it… as far as feeling guilty .. we all would in the same situation and I can tell u all day long it’s not your fault , and it’s NOT, but that doesn’t change how you feel right now. Some day it will all come to a head and you will finish grieving. When that time is right for you. I won’t lie and tell u it ever hurts any less but it does get so it’s not so all consuming of your life and you learn to go a few minutes , then hours and eventually days that you aren’t stricken with that all consuming despair.  Try to sleep and eat occasionally and know you have a wonderful and wide support group out here. You know where we are should u need or want to talk, cry, vent to any and all of us.
    *BIG HUGS* and many continued thoughts and prayers

  • http://burnedoutmedic.com Burnedoutmedic

    keep your head up!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/7HQRBUQONU7RZZ5CMB2YUXUZII Lynda

    Please put a “Donate” button on your sidebar so those of us who support those of you can do so. Thank you.