Has it really been that long? Some days it feels like lifetimes ago. Others it feels like just yesterday. You’re always on my mind hon. It hit me this afternoon when I was getting off duty what day it was. I got pulled aside by a supervisor and asked if I was ok.
I was exhausted, it had been a long 24 hours running calls. But I didn’t know why he was asking me. We started talking and he mentioned it being a few months since he heard, and it all clicked. He was talking about you. He was asking how I was dealing with everything. His son knew you too. Hell you had met him and took great pleasure in laughing at me when I finally realized I went to HS with his son!
It just caught me by surprise. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, trying to stay motivated onto my goals. Trying to be that man that you always thought I was, even when I had doubts on it myself. I’m trying my love, I really am.
Over the last week or two, I’ve been having doubts. Doubts that I can complete this paramedic program successfully. Doubts that I will survive the coming months at all. Doubts about whether I even want to suvive it. But after talking to him, I realized, like I have in the past, that you’d want me to push on.
I wish you were going to be there to pin on the new tag at work. I asked my boss about a name tag, since my old one from TX finally broke a pin. They told me that they never had any intention of ordering me one that said ‘Intermediate’ on it, because they knew I would get my medic and just need a new one in six months or less. And they have a tradition there. When an EMT gets a nametag that shows their new certification level, they get ‘pinned’
Think of it like military members getting new rank pinned onto their shoulders by their loved ones or fellow service members. Usually a wife or girlfriend or your coworkers do it. I was so looking forward to you doing it, to be honest. But since that is not going to happen… I am so thinking about asking some of the people most important in my life to do it. My parents and your mother and O’ceana. It would mean the world to me for them to do it. And it’s something I think you would like.
People were right. For the most part, when I think of you now, the hole in my heart feels a little shallower, a little easier to deal with. It still hurts, it will always hurt, but it’s getting manageable. I’m never going to ‘get over’ you sweetheart. But I can now look at the picture of the three of us and not feel like I’m going to just crumple to the floor.
So… three months? That’s three months of not seeing you more than I thought I could take. But with your help watching over me, and what I know you wanted of me, I can try to keep pressing on. Smile down on me, little one. I love you. Until that day when I can see you again
“The Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another”
And with that closing line one more little rant. I don’t care what the bible says about the verse I have tattooed on my arm. I don’t care that it’s not truly about love, but a warning of keeping a truce or the consequences. I don’t believe that story. I believe there is a higher power or three. She was similar in beliefs to me. So I take the MizPah verse at face value of just that one line. and in that manner, it suits everything perfectly. To be honest, if you’re insulted that I take it that way, there’s the door. I’ll add spikes to the outside so you better step quickly through.