Three months

Has it really been that long? Some days it feels like lifetimes ago. Others it feels like just yesterday. You’re always on my mind hon. It hit me this afternoon when I was getting off duty what day it was. I got pulled aside by a supervisor and asked if I was ok.

I was exhausted, it had been a long 24 hours running calls. But I didn’t know why he was asking me. We started talking and he mentioned it being a few months since he heard, and it all clicked. He was talking about you. He was asking how I was dealing with everything. His son knew you too. Hell you had met him and took great pleasure in laughing at me when I finally realized I went to HS with his son!

It just caught me by surprise. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, trying to stay motivated onto my goals. Trying to be that man that you always thought I was, even when I had doubts on it myself. I’m trying my love, I really am.

Over the last week or two, I’ve been having doubts. Doubts that I can complete this paramedic program successfully. Doubts that I will survive the coming months at all. Doubts about whether I even want to suvive it. But after talking to him, I realized, like I have in the past, that you’d want me to push on.

I wish you were going to be there to pin on the new tag at work. I asked my boss about a name tag, since my old one from TX finally broke a pin. They told me that they never had any intention of ordering me one that said ‘Intermediate’ on it, because they knew I would get my medic and just need a new one in six months or less. And they have a tradition there. When an EMT gets a nametag that shows their new certification level, they get ‘pinned’

Think of it like military members getting new rank pinned onto their shoulders by their loved ones or fellow service members. Usually a wife or girlfriend or your coworkers do it. I was so looking forward to you doing it, to be honest. But since that is not going to happen… I am so thinking about asking some of the people most important in my life to do it. My parents and your mother and O’ceana. It would mean the world to me for them to do it. And it’s something I think you would like.

People were right. For the most part, when I think of you now, the hole in my heart feels a little shallower, a little easier to deal with. It still hurts, it will always hurt, but it’s getting manageable. I’m never going to ‘get over’ you sweetheart. But I can now look at the picture of the three of us and not feel like I’m going to just crumple to the floor.

So… three months? That’s three months of not seeing you more than I thought I could take. But with your help watching over me, and what I know you wanted of me, I can try to keep pressing on. Smile down on me, little one. I love you. Until that day when I can see you again

“The Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another”

 

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And with that closing line one more little rant. I don’t care what the bible says about the verse I have tattooed on my arm. I don’t care that it’s not truly about love, but a warning of keeping a truce or the consequences. I don’t believe that story. I believe there is a higher power or three. She was similar in beliefs to me. So I take the MizPah verse at face value of just that one line. and in that manner, it suits everything perfectly. To be honest, if you’re insulted that I take it that way, there’s the door. I’ll add spikes to the outside so you better step quickly through.

Intense

Whoa… I really meant to update this thing earlier than this. The last few weeks have been intense. Right now I’m sitting in Santa Fe NM covering a 22 hour shift on an IFT ambulance. I’m about to take a break from everything and try to take a nap. I’m so short on sleep right now it’s probably almost dangerous.

So, how’s everything going? Not too bad overall. I finally saw the inside of my apartment on the way back from class early this morning. Was nice to sleep in my own bed, if only for about 3 hours. The past few weeks have shown me it’s gonna be a long few months, but it will be so worth it to get pinned as a medic.

Speaking of class. I’m almost all the way caught up finally. I started 3 weeks late and have been doing both the work assigned as we go and all the stuff I missed. Luckily it’s a lot of review for me. Right now my average is hovering at about 92% and I am regularly getting told to shut up in class so someone else can answer. I’ve finally decided that I’ll just keep my mouth shut unless I have a question or am called upon.

We are working on airway right now, and we actually had a former flight nurse teach our class last night. She was probably the best instructor we’ve had so far in this program. But then again, she went into much more depth than most instructors think we ‘need’, and since airway and cardiac are my two favorite subjects I’m not going to complain.

We also go to play around with IVs for the first time for some people in our class. I was 3/3 live sticks, and 0/3 for anyone actually getting a stick on me. I told them I was a harder stick, but no one believed me. I did get asked to help with showing people proper techniques for IV insertion. IT actually is showing me that I like instructing. I’m seriously wondering about when I finish my BSN, going for a secondary BS in education.

But pretty much the class is going well. We were given some bad news that we can’t start any form of clinicals or internship rides until almost the first of the year. IT’s gonna be rather annoying because of the long commute, but I’m thinking about volunteering for a VFD district in Las Cruces area just so I can have a place to crash for free and get some more run volume. Yep, my life is revolving around EMS until I get my medic, there’s just no other way to work it and still have money. Hell, my schedule this last week has had me sleeping in my 911 coverage area at one of the spare bases instead of having to drive back to the city and sleep, then turn around 6 hours later and drive down to Ops to pick up my classmate and make the drive to TX.

So… yea, that’s just a quick update. There’s more I wanted to write about but for now I think I’m gonna go take a nap. I’ve got more homework to do still.

Lets do this

Well… What would you do if your service offered to send you through medic school right now, for free except for gas money. Well, mine did. What do you think I said? I said yes. I’ll be doing what some in TX call a ‘completer’ course. The joys of being a TX EMT-I. Downside? It’s in TX. I will have to drive down 2-3 times a week to El Paso TX to do my classes.

The next four months will be intense… But I want that gold patch, and I will get it this time 😀 But I’ll be so poor while doing it, that I’m seriously tempted to add a donation button to my Ramen Noodle fund.

My schedule will be similar to the following: Class Tues, Thurs, and Fri 1800-2200. 36 hours a week working at my service so I can have money. 12-24 hours of clinicals or internship a week (luckily I can do ambulance shifts at my current service). Maybe 12-24 a week at my second service… Oh, plus it’s 4 hours drive one way to class. I never thought I’d get myself involved in class like this, but it’ll be worth it.

If for no other reason than I keep my promise to her about pinning on that disco patch. Oh and I’ll get my NR and TX EMT-P certs as well as my NM one.