I'm frustrated and have a decision to make… I need help making it!

I’m frustrated right now. I’ve had two phone interviews in as many days. They’ve gone great! But at the end of the interview they have told me that they don’t have any FT positions and that they can’t pay me enough for PT positions to warrant me moving out there. And I’ve gotten four more rejections in the last week, plus well over a dozen services that I haven’t heard from except for them asking for a copy of this or that. Frustrating, yep it’s a good word for it.

I’ve been debating finding any job (probably a job waiting tables again) and staying in Albuquerque. If I do that, I can hopefully start UNM’s BS-EMS/EMT-P degree program in August, and I’d be getting my full NM EMT-I cert in December, so I could start working on a bus for LCAS after that. I know the school, it’s got a good reputation, and would set me up by being a great educational background for moving on later.

I’m just getting frustrated and am wondering if moving states really is such a good idea. On one hand I paid the money to TX DSHS EMS for my EMT-I cert, but so far it doesn’t seem to be paying off. I’m sick of living with my parents and just want to get back out on my own, get my life back on track. I want to go back to school and get my medic cert ASAP. I just can’t figure out what the best thing to do would be.

Why did I do that?

I had a great Thanksgiving down in Socorro and the night before was awesome too since I got to see my best friend who I haven’t seen in almost a year… But now that I think about it, it might not of been too awesome.

We went to a bar with another friend of ours that still is in Socorro and going to NMT. That was cool. We both started drinking and having a good time with each other. Also cool. Then we started talking, while drunk, with no real defenses up… Here is where things might have started to go wrong.
She tells me that she knows what I want. I tell her that it’s the same thing I’ve wanted for year, which is to actually have a relationship with her and get my ass out of the friend zone… But I don’t think it was that eloquent just then. We both admit that we missed each other lots when we couldn’t see each other. I then kissed her. She kissed back.
The night continued like that with us dancing and flirting and… her getting me to sing Karaoke… not a fun sound 😛
It ended when her and our friend dropped me off at the parental units. That’s when I kissed her again and we agreed that a year is much too long and that I’d make a trip up to Durango to see her.

Now she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. So here is the point where I think I screwed things up. Nothing yet from her and I can’t get a hold of her. I was hoping to meet her for coffee or something like we used to do together when she would head back up to CO.

I’m not sorry I said that though. I’ve cared about her for years now, and I’ve always wanted something else with her. I can’t say for sure if I love her, but I might. And I wish it didn’t have to be a time when we were both drunk for it to come out. I wish I could have gotten up the balls a while ago to tell her that the guy she used to be with who is still trying to use her is just a pig and she needs to get away from him to someone who actually cares about her, not just her body. She needs someone who won’t pressure her, who knows what she is dealing with and what she has dealt with. Maybe there’s a reason I’ve never approved of her past boyfriends.

Basically what I’m saying, Carrie if you ever read this, is that I want you and me to have a real relationship, not both of us or one of us just ducking and diving avoiding the obvious.