Keeping Promises

I’m big on keeping any promises I make. In my eyes, if I tell you I’m going to do something, I wouldn’t consider myself much of a person if I didn’t do it. And to that extent, one of my promises to someone is getting closer to fruition.

I took my classroom Paramedic Final Exam… 196 questions, all multiple choice, with parts from every section of that giantass purple book. I finished it in just under an hour… I’ve spent the last two weeks going over every page of notes, every review and exam online. I’ve looked at books that aren’t required reading, some that I’ve been told are way above what I need to know (which of course makes me even happier to read them). All to be ready for this exam. When I finished, I was tempted to go over all the questions, just to double check. Then I remembered that I am much better at trusting my gut instinct than to question what I do.

To that end, when I finished, I made sure the Scantron was ready to go, and then damn near flung it at my instructor and walked out. I was so freaking nervous when I walked out. I spend time pacing outside and I think my first twitter was… wait, let me pull it up.

“Oh dear god oh dear god… 196 questions in just under an hour… Either I suck or I kicked ass… One of the two. Freaking out now!”

I was so freakign worried about it… I just don’t like tests, I get almost physically sick… and I almost puked afterwards. Oh? What’s that? What did I get on it? Well… my intructor that was testing us came outside to get me, and told me he needed to talk to me. He told me I didn’t do nearly as well as he’d hoped I would, and then showed me a score of 47. I swear my heart sunk in my chest and I felt like looking for the nearest cliff to jump off of. Then I noticed it said ‘Section Grade’. And I thought “Wait… there were 4, 50 question sections to that test” and I think he saw my face so he just started laughing at me.

Turns out…. 87% on the written final! I was so freaking happy I couldn’t get words out. Turns out I was also the highest written grade on the test :) Now I start the long process of clinical and internship shifts. Which my first 14 hour shift is in TX Saturday starting at 0800 or so. I plan on being done, tested, and raped by the state of NM and NREMT and be a TX, NM, and NR certified paramedic by the middle of Feb. Let’s do this shit :) Now it’s the fun part.

But first, tonight I get to have fun. I get to go to this beautiful girls graduation party tonight. She is graduating with her BS from a local university, and I figure I wanna spend time with her, plus it’s a chance to relax. I’m just glad I passed the final or this party would be a little less fun :p

Oh, and in other news…. Ya’ll know this yea has not been the best for me. And this holiday season feels rather empty for me as well. I was asked by a friend of mine, a medical professional that used to be quite active on Twitter under an older name, to help her and do a guest post on suicide prevention and recognition. I was flattered that Dani would ask me, and I said yes. It was a hard post to write, but it’s one that needed to be written. And in writing it, I think it helped me a little bit too. Ya’ll can go take a look here (click the image):

My guest post

For Some, Its NOT the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – Part One

 

Alright, well I’m out for now. I need a nap before tonight :p That drive to and from TX sucks lately :p Ya’ll stay safe

Waffles…

I wrote out an email, since I’m not going to see her for at least another month and I want her to know how I feel… I pasted it into a facebook message, then tried to sleep. This morning I got a failed send notification (didn’t know facebook had those). Now I’m waffling whether or not I want to resend it. I wish life was easy sometimes.

Seriously?

Ok, my notoriously bad luck with women has creeped up again. I have this friend, one I have known on and off for years (about 9 of them to be exact). We lost contact for about 2 years and then found each other again and since have gone to visit each other and see each other as much as possible.

I met her on a long trip that we took with a student organization, while I was actually dating my first gf. We hit it off then and I felt something, something that I tried to not feel since I had a girlfriend back home at the time. I realized when I saw her again for the first time in a while about a year ago that I still felt the same way. I would look forward to every time I’d talk to her or make plans to see her (which was difficult since she was living in a town about 2 hours away from me and I was working full time and going to school full time).

I flirted with her every chance I got when we were together and she seemed to return the favor and we both enjoyed when we got to hang out. Since I moved to CO I’ve been able to see her a few times and I really want to tell her that I want to be more than friends. But I found out recently something that might make her not want to :( It’s something pretty major and something that she thinks will put everyone off. Can’t go into too much detail since everything I was told was in confidence.

Now I gotta figure out what to do now.

“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.”

Anyone in medicine has heard the phrase, or a version thereof, at least once in their career.

And as I get ready to move (boxes and junk literally everywhere as I type this), I’ve been thinking about it. A few days back I went down south about 70 miles to where my parents live to help my brother out and put some of mine and his things in storage down there. While I was there I decided to drive around a little and look at the places where I spent so much of my time from 6-12 grade plus a year at the college there. So many memories came around and by the end of it, I was just driving and wound up somewhere I hadn’t been in a long time.

This somewhere just happens to be where my ex lives down there. She was my second serious relationship in high school, and one who we had seriously talked about marriage after we were out of school, she was going for a BS in Bio and I was going for at least a BS in Explosives Engineering. We got along well, had our fights, made up, and then fought some more.

Looking back at it, I can see reasons why we split up. A major thing was I wasn’t happy there (more on this later) in that town. Another is just that I thought she was too demanding of my time while I was in my first year of college and she was a HS senior. I thought that I could just keep putting her off and finding excuses not to meet up with her cause I was busy, and that she’d wait around forever for me to pull my head out of my ass.

Since I said she was my ex, you can imagine this didn’t work out too well. My second semester at college we wound up in an argument that culminated in her throwing a ring back in my face and storming off. We didn’t talk to each other civilly for months after that happened.

Then I decided I needed a break from that town and that school and came up here to the city to take a semester off, work, and become an EMT. Wow. It was like night and day with classes. I actually enjoyed going to class, I enjoyed learning, and I enjoyed life more than I ever did down there. EMS is something that I had thought was cool, and since I was taking a semester off from ‘real college’ I figured ‘why the hell not?’

Looking back I wonder what would have happened if I had decided to become an EMT first. What would have happened? I know things would have been at least a little different. But I wouldn’t have met the woman who I became engaged to.

Becoming engaged to my most recent ex was something that filled me with so much happiness. We were both young, in love, and completely full of energy. Great combination, right? Yea, not really when both of us were trying for our medic.

As I noticed what AD wrote about his ExWife and him getting married, he commented that she had much more expensive tastes than an EMT could afford. Yep, I ran into that too. Even that though wasn’t a big issue, we talked through it and both tried to save every dime we were making while working as EMT-Bs for an IFT company here in ABQ.

The not seeing each other for days at a time while one of us was in class and the other was out doing clinicals, or both of us doing clinicals, or working, or anything else that was not school, work, or sleep…. That was one of the hard parts. A relationship doesn’t do too well when you only see someone a few nights a week, and those nights being caught up in studying and then trying to grab a few extra winks of sleep so you didn’t fall asleep sticking some poor SOB in the ED while trying to get all your IV attempts in.

No, what really sealed the deal about us breaking up was a miscarriage. We were not actively trying but both of us were ecstatic when we found out we were going to be parents. Sure both of us being in school, planning for our wedding, and trying to sort things out was not the best enviroment, but we were going to make it work.

I still remember that call I got while on internship from her, in tears. She told me that she started cramping and heavy bleeding. Both of us being medic students knew what that meant. With a quick word to my preceptor (who actually drove me home in the rescue) I left that day and didn’t come back for a week. And when I did come back my heart didn’t seem to be in it anymore.

I passed that cycle, but just barely. The next semester I did ok in class but it seemed sluggish and didn’t go to well for hands on. Me and her fought almost constantly after that. We fought until neither one of us could take it anymore. We split up and tried to be civil to each other. Surprisingly that worked pretty well.

Now both of these ex’s are engaged to be married in the next year or less. It kind of makes me think of all the stupid things I’ve done and what might be if I’d been a little less of an immature ass. But I’m only 22 so I guess I’m still a little bit of an immature ass.

I do like being able to think back to things and realize where exactly I screwed up so I can try to not do it again. After all, this good judgment comes at a price.

http://transportjockey.com/2010/03/22/36/

Why did I do that?

I had a great Thanksgiving down in Socorro and the night before was awesome too since I got to see my best friend who I haven’t seen in almost a year… But now that I think about it, it might not of been too awesome.

We went to a bar with another friend of ours that still is in Socorro and going to NMT. That was cool. We both started drinking and having a good time with each other. Also cool. Then we started talking, while drunk, with no real defenses up… Here is where things might have started to go wrong.
She tells me that she knows what I want. I tell her that it’s the same thing I’ve wanted for year, which is to actually have a relationship with her and get my ass out of the friend zone… But I don’t think it was that eloquent just then. We both admit that we missed each other lots when we couldn’t see each other. I then kissed her. She kissed back.
The night continued like that with us dancing and flirting and… her getting me to sing Karaoke… not a fun sound 😛
It ended when her and our friend dropped me off at the parental units. That’s when I kissed her again and we agreed that a year is much too long and that I’d make a trip up to Durango to see her.

Now she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. So here is the point where I think I screwed things up. Nothing yet from her and I can’t get a hold of her. I was hoping to meet her for coffee or something like we used to do together when she would head back up to CO.

I’m not sorry I said that though. I’ve cared about her for years now, and I’ve always wanted something else with her. I can’t say for sure if I love her, but I might. And I wish it didn’t have to be a time when we were both drunk for it to come out. I wish I could have gotten up the balls a while ago to tell her that the guy she used to be with who is still trying to use her is just a pig and she needs to get away from him to someone who actually cares about her, not just her body. She needs someone who won’t pressure her, who knows what she is dealing with and what she has dealt with. Maybe there’s a reason I’ve never approved of her past boyfriends.

Basically what I’m saying, Carrie if you ever read this, is that I want you and me to have a real relationship, not both of us or one of us just ducking and diving avoiding the obvious.